Chapter 1
1: If you ever forget who really owns your stuff, stop paying taxes and see who comes to get it. If you ever forget who you are, set aside worry for an hour and I bet God tells you. If you want a close-up view of a hummingbird you're going to have to shoot it. I bet you didn't know that no amount of saying sorry in that tone of voice is going to fix the situation you've got us into.
2: If you so much as LOOK at me crosswise, so help me I will break your arm.
3: If you don't turn that trash down, so help me I will come in there and do it myself, and it won't be pretty. You, mister, are going to live to regret it.
4: If you knew one thing about our family genealogy you would never put that stuff to your lips again. And this decision you're making I should just knock your heads together so you can get some sense.
5: There is no use crying over spilt milk, is what I always say. If you'd have stitched in time this kind of thing would never have happened.
6: No amount of blood on your doorposts is going to stop me from ripping you a new one. You might as well make up your mind right now that you're going to get with the program because believe you me there is no other option.
7: What I serve you isn't important. What's important is that we're eating it as a family and enjoying it. If you think for one minute that the kids in Cambodia would eat this with anything but gratitude, you're mistaken. I expect the same from you. Now shut up and eat.
8: Christ loves you when you keep His commandments.
9: The revolution would be televised if you were a little easier to look at.
10: Some sorry excuse for a human being you are. There's not a chance in hell you're ever going to be sorry enough to make this right. Not on MY watch.
11: I thought I told you to get a haircut.
You need to keep council on retainer to help deal with this deity. This is what rabbis are supposed to do. Or rabbits.
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